Love and affection
If people are in a close relationship, then naturally, attachment will naturally arise between them. Attachment, as a habit of intimacy and a desire for intimacy, is the natural basis of love.
Can there be one without the other? Yes, quite, and it is not uncommon. It can be both love without affection, and affection without love.
Here is the family. In her constant quarrels, claims, offenses and very sincere scenes of jealousy. Kostya’s husband sometimes drinks, and once his wife Lida and hits him. But they cannot live without each other, and if Kostya is delayed, Lida is frantically worried. And if, God forbid, something happens to Lida, Kostya, it seems, will not survive this … Divorce for them is excluded, because they are rooted in each other and, if it happened to divorce, they would have to be cut alive. “It’s hard with him, but I’m so attached to him!” – sobbing Lida. That’s right, it’s hard to talk about love here, but attachment is obvious.
But the family is different. Whenever we come to visit them, they are always comfortable and sunny: smiles, joy, warmth. Sasha and Tanya are surprisingly attentive to each other – and to the children, and the voice there rises only when they sing songs together with the children on family holidays. They really have family holidays on Saturdays, and they really sing! Idyll. But I also know that Sasha will always be as bright and calm, even if something happens to Tanya, to the children … And this is not a mask – this is his soul. He loves his wife and children, loves them beautifully and sincerely, but without affection. He loves the whole world like that.
Of course, we are talking about love with a capital letter, giving love, the content of which is unselfish and joyful care.
Love and affection are not the same thing, but in life love and affection are easily confused. To one person, we can have both at the same time. In addition, we are dependent on who we are attached to, and therefore, fearing to lose him, we are forced to take care of him. We behave almost like loving ones: we attentively listen to the needs of the beloved and give up in case of disagreements – we do everything so that we are not angry and do not move away from us. And then attachment turns out to be very similar to love, only in the voluntary-compulsory version. That is why they are so often confused: they talk about Love, meaning only Affection, and sing Affection, dreaming of Love.
How to distinguish one from the other? There is a simple criterion that distinguishes love from affection. This criterion is pain: the pain of losing the Beloved. And the fear that this could happen. And as a result – constant voltage. Attachment is different from love by pain, tension and fear. Love attachment easily turns into a sick attachment, or even dependence on an object of love. The main feature of affection is not joy and not concern, associated with the object of love, but love suffering, which a person suffers when, and when she revels with lust.
However, attachment is not always bad. Smart people themselves are attached with pleasure to the fact that they will be supported in life, as well as to those people who are happy or useful to communicate with. At the same time, being tied, they prefer not rigid, but conditional affection, arranged as a carbine among climbers: when necessary, we are reliably tied. If we stop and it is better to be free, the carbine snaps off and we are free. The more a person lives at the level of a human-organism, the more often and easier he (she) becomes attached thoughtlessly, often to very strange and heavy people, and cannot get rid of these attachments. A human person with a developed mind and will allows only those attachments in his life that are useful, and the attachments that are no longer needed are terminated.
Attachments are good, as long as you need each other and your attachments are not sick, soft, rather playful. If in a relationship your partner has a tough, sick attachment to you, then this is a dangerous situation. How to prevent such relationships and how to behave when not the most appropriate people become attached to you, see Prevention of sick attachments.
Returning to the fear of losing a loved one – why is it bad? Living with fear is always bad. Fearing to be alone, the girls agree to relationships with people with whom you should not get involved. Fearing to lose a loved one so that a man does not leave, women allow him disrespect for her, rudeness and alcoholism. Fear cuts off brains, makes a person short-sighted, pushes decisions on the surface, and prevents thinking about long-lasting consequences: fear is not up to them … Relationships for women who are not afraid to be alone, who calmly and confidently speak, are wiser and stronger. men, those moments that are important to her, monitor the format and do not allow a man that is unacceptable. Will such a woman love, will she cherish her beloved? If her man is a decent and decent man, he is a loving husband and a caring father, and it’s difficult to find another one – a sensible woman will take care of him as the most precious jewel.